The sun is out, music is playing loudly in my bedroom and I feel happy to be alive once again!
I have not always felt like this though. You see, eight to nine years ago when my OCD was truly horrendous to live with, I wanted out of this life. I say life but it wasn’t really a life, it was just an existence. It was an existence that felt like a prison. The prison being my mind and there was just no escape. I felt contaminated to my core. It felt like I’d never recover and so what was the point in carrying on?
Nevertheless, two things stopped me from killing myself . The first one is the constant love I receive from my dear mother. I could never have done that to her, not after all the things in life that she has done for me. The second, was believing in the extraordinary power of hope. Even at my lowest point there was still this small belief inside me that things might finally go my way in future. These things kept me going and I’m so pleased that they did.
With the help of meds and therapy, my life has dramatically improved. I’m not cured by any stretch but it feels exciting to be alive once again. I sat here just before starting this blog and thought to myself, you know I cannot remember the last time I felt like this. There is a happiness that pervades my entire being at the moment and to be honest this feels amazing.
Sticking two fingers up my OCD, I have done a series of exposures since Christmas that I would never have thought possible even as little as twelve months ago. I have sat down on buses, trains and have met up with my two best friends in life and eaten dinner with them in a restaurant(massive for me). These are my two best friends that I hadn’t seen in eight years due to the crippling OCD. I needed their forgiveness because I had been a rubbish friend to them. Having them back in my life once again now means so much to me. I love them both very dearly.
On top of all that, I’m going to the gym and doing strenuous exercise. This is for the first time since I got a prostate infection and severe chronic pelvic pain some twenty years ago. I could cry happy tears that I’m exercising now. The pelvic pain is not that bad and I’m not letting my OCD stopping me from going either.
I am also doing things for my career now which gives me a sense of purpose in life. I am writing things for various outlets and so the buzz I get from writing is incredible. I no longer feel like a passenger in life, it feels like I’m now taking an active part in it once more.
Hey, do not get me wrong here, my life is still far from perfect. The pelvic pain still exists a bit, I now have rheumatism in my knees(at just 41) and have lymphoedema in my legs, type one diabetes and spondylolisthesis in my lumbar spine, ALL FOR LIFE!
However, I can put up with all these things because I am a fighter. The thing I needed improving most of all was my mental health and slowly but surely I’m getting there. If you are in a really dark place like I was some eight to nine years ago, then please keep fighting because I’m evidence that eventually things will improve. I’m HAPPY TO BE ALIVE ONCE AGAIN, I never thought I’d write these words but right now it’s true!