I have nothing urgent to say in this new blog, however I just wanted to socially document how well things are going at the moment. Things are going that well that it has slightly unnerved me a touch!
Do not get me wrong here, my life still sucks at how much my OCD impacts on it. Nevertheless, I’ve improved that much that I can now finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. This time last year this light was nowhere to be seen.
Compared to this time last year my mental health now is unrecognisable, for the better I’m pleased to add. I am such a calmer person now it’s untrue. Whereas I was having a row with my poor dear mother about two or three times a day, EVERY DAY, now I can’t remember the last time we had some kind of disagreement. This is such a lovely thing to write because this is the one person in the whole wide world that has supported me through everything.
My therapy and in particular my meds(Fluoxetine and Aripiprazole), are the reason why I’m feeling much better. The latter are no cure I know, but they’re helping me that much that I fully recommend you trying them if you are suffering with mental health difficulties and are not on medication. I have fully bonded and am fully engaged with my lovely therapist. The homework she continually gives me is also helping me change my old irrational ways without a shadow of a doubt.
I am doing things in the last few weeks that I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing as little as twelve months ago. I am getting on trams, going on trains(albeit stood up for now), shopping at my local supermarket and going to a physios that is miles away from my home. I even managed to keep my composure JUST, when a schoolboy was sick on a train station platform that I was on(vomit is one of my phobias). Doing these things of course is still a challenge every time I do them, but least now I am STILL doing them. I am not letting my OCD domineer my life as much as it once was.
I can remember travelling home on the train last week and it just felt so good to feel ‘normal’. By this, I mean it felt exhilarating just to do a normal activity like travelling on a train like millions of others were doing that day too. I just need to work on sitting down in public places now, that is my main thing to tackle in 2018.
I guess I’m just a bit scared that my recovery will not continue. I am scared of having setbacks and not being able to cope with them if they arise. Nevertheless, if I want my life back then I have no choice but to keep pushing the envelope so-to-speak. I mean, I have no choice but keep making baby steps forwards if I want to get better. I want a serious career, to meet the love of my life and get married, and to once again meet up with my best friends who I haven’t seen in years due to my awful and debilitating OCD.
I’m scared, things seem to be going too well………………BUT IT’S UP TO ME TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY CARRY ON THIS WAY!